There are certain foods best left to the professionals. Brain surgery, croissants, and—let’s be brutally honest—fish and chips.
Now, if you’ve read my novels (Highland Chttps://mybook.to/highland-chanceshances for example, where nothing says romance like a shared bag of chips and a healthy disregard for waistlines, or Artists Town, where the local chippy is practically a main character), you’ll know that battered fish and fried potatoes is taken very seriously. Frankly, despite noodles, pizzas and curry’s best efforts to take over as the UK’s national dish, in the west coast of Scotland, fish and chips are not so much a meal as a minor religion, worshipped every Friday night and at least once on holiday at the seaside, regardless of wind chill or incoming gulls.
But what if you want to recreate this magic at home? Can you really become the fryer of dreams, the batter boss, the chip champion?
Well… maybe. But let’s talk you through it first.
1. The Fish (Choose Wisely, Young Padawan)
Forget those soggy, pre-battered things lurking in supermarket freezers. Go to a fishmonger and ask for fillets of firm, white fish—cod, plaice, haddock preferably. The fresher, the better. (If it smells of anything other than the sea, run.)
2. The Batter (Science, Not Just Guesswork)
- Chilled, bubbly liquid is your friend—ice-cold beer, fizzy water, even lemonade if you’re a maverick*.
- Don’t overmix. Lumps are good! This isn’t the time for your stand mixer’s finest hour.
- Cornflour and plain flour combo gives you that all-important shatter, rather than the stodgy, greasy blanket so often mistaken for batter.
3. The Chips (It’s All About Double-Frying)
Yes, you could use oven chips. No, it won’t be the same. Real chips need to be peeled, chopped, and parboiled before their first fry at a lower temperature, then again at a higher temperature. Do you have a thermometer? (Does anyone outside a lab? Exactly.)
4. The Oil (Just Accept It)
You’ll need a deep pan of neutral oil, heated to “slightly terrifying”. This is not the time for calorie-counting or brandishing the spray oil. Remember to ventilate. (Send all children and pets outside for the duration.)
5. Extras (Do NOT Forget)
- Salt and vinegar: the more, the better. No artisanal Himalayan pink salt, or balsamic nonsense, please.
- Mushy peas or pickled onions: controversial, but tradition is tradition.
- A battered sausage or a cheeky haggis: for the full Scottish heart attack experience.
The Verdict
So—can you make perfect fish and chips at home? Yes, with the patience of a saint, access to industrial extraction fans and no fear of hot oil. You may also need several cans of air freshener for the lingering smell.
But here’s my honest advice: if you crave the golden, crunchy glory found in Highland Chances (where desire blossoms over a shared poke), or you want to re-enact your favourite scene from Artists Town (where art and batter collide), do some deep research into your nearest award-winning chippy. There’s a reason they win prizes, and it’s not just for their cheery “salt ‘n’ sauce?” banter.
Support your local chip shop, then go home, open a copy of one of my books and eat straight from the paper like a true connoisseur. That, my friend, is the taste of Scotland.
*Do not do this!!!!!!
