Let’s be honest: skincare is confusing, expensive and suspiciously reminiscent of homework. Every time you open Instagram, a 22-year-old tries to convince you you need snail mucus, caviar eye patches or a jade roller blessed by a Himalayan goat. Meanwhile, your own “routine” consists of whatever you found on special in Boots and, occasionally, baby wipes (we’ve all been there).
But fear not! Inspired by Stephanie from my novel High Heels & Pink Glitter—a 40-something PR consultant who accidentally becomes a budget beauty vlogger—I’ve compiled some life-changing (well, life-distracting) skincare advice for the rest of us. The “rest of us” being people whose last face mask was a multipack from B&M.
1. Cleanse Like No One’s Watching
Double cleansing is all very well if you have time, energy, or ambitions beyond simply removing the mascara before you pass out watching reruns of Strictly. Stephanie’s tip? Micellar water and a facecloth will do. Bonus points if your facecloth is less than a week old.
2. Moisturise with Gusto (or Whatever’s Lying Around)
Spend £80 on a moisturiser that contains molecules so tiny they can pass through the fabric of space and time? Or, like Stephanie, slather on whatever was BOGOF at Superdrug. (And yes, body lotion on your face is perfectly fine, just don’t tell the TikTok teens.)
3. SPF—Always, Always, Always
Scotland is sunny about twice a year (though this year we had plenty of sunshine…), but as Stephanie learns, apparently, the sun’s rays can penetrate clouds, drizzle and even the window of a Greggs. Use SPF daily, or at least whenever you leave the house and remember.
4. Exfoliate (Sometimes, Accidentally)
Proper exfoliation is all the rage, but who among us hasn’t accidentally exfoliated with a rough towel, a rogue cat tongue or the dregs of last night’s sheet mask? Stephanie recommends: gentle exfoliation, and occasionally scrubbing off regrets and questionable life decisions.
5. DIY Treatments: For the Brave (and the Broke)
Face mask recipes on YouTube are fun—until you realise you’ve made yourself into an avocado sandwich. Stephanie’s real hack? Buy a multipack and pretend it’s artisanal. Or, use leftover porridge. (Warning: This may confuse your partner.)
6. Ignore All Advice, Especially from 22-Year-Olds
Your skin is your skin, and Stephanie would like you to know that no serum will undo a lifetime of loving chips, dancing to 80s pop or reading until 2am. Wear your lines with pride—they’re just laughter’s autograph.
If you want more beauty tips, budget confessions or relatable disasters, follow Stephanie’s journey in High Heels & Pink Glitter—a novel for anyone who’s ever bought a £1.99 sheet mask and hoped for a miracle. Spoiler: sometimes the miracle is just not scaring yourself in the mirror.
Buy now and embrace the glow-up… or at least a very mild shimmer.
Emma Baird is an award-winning writer, specialising in romcoms and fiction that focuses on relationships, and a type 1 diabetic. She is also the co-author of The Diabetes Diet, co-written with a doctor. Most importantly, she is the guardian of one very spoiled cat…
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Hi. I’m real old, and my skin has gotten drier than ever. Not to mention more wrinkled than ever. I use moisturizer, and it helps for sure. I should use even more of it!
Here in the UK in winter, because we have to spend so much time indoors because of the cold and the rain, that tends to dry out skin so much!
I always double cleanse. I’ve had acne since I was eleven so also need to put on lots of other stuff eg azealic acid, epiduo, and retinol. Every night I use a face mask in the bath of one kind or another. I started using snail mucin after the cleanse and tone steps and it has made a huge difference to my skin. It is not that expensive, especially since it is often half price at Amazon. It hydrates without clogging the pores and is great for acne sufferers. Erborian tinted moisturisers are excellent. My favourite is the one in the purple tube for dull skin. If I was a character in a novel, it would take at least half a page to describe my skin care regime.
ooh, good tip re the snail mucin. H&B sells it, too.
Thanks! I’ll check H and B. It’s likely to be a lot cheaper than the Amazon stuff.